What is success? If you are better than others? If you do something that was expected of you? If you reach a goal you have worked hard for? If something works out, just as planned? If you are proud? If you had the chance to evolve and learn something new?
I think, success, in the traditional sense, is too often reduced to the metrics, the numbers. In academia, these are the number of publications, conference talks and research expeditions. How much money you were given, how many projects you have lead. Yes, I understand we need some form of measurable metrics. But success can be so much more than numbers.
I recently re-wrote a small script in matlab from scratch, because the provided one was just not working with my data and I only needed it to do a small fraction of what it was capable of, but that small step was essential to my workflow. I hadn’t done any programming in a while, so I was hesitant, because I wasn’t sure I could do it. I gave myself a day to try and if I couldn’t make it work, I’d have to find another way. I was done an hour after lunch break, much faster than I thought. I was incredibly proud (and relieved I didn’t have to do it manually after all). I often feel proud, when I realize I really learned something. When somebody asks me to help out, because I am supposedly the expert and I am actually able to fix the problem. When I finally break through a barrier that kept me from going forward. When I had a good scientific exchange on eye-level on a conference. Often, however, these little, personal successes get overshadowed by the the next deadline, or we dismiss them because in our mind “they don’t count”.
Numbers can also be misleading, as they suggest comparability. If I have more publications than you, while we are in a similar career stage or at a similar age, I must be more successful, right? What if I had to work a profitable student job to pay tuition and couldn’t do prestigious internships, or work as a student assistant? What if my non-academic friends and family didn’t understand why I was studying at all, pushing me to “get a real job”. Or let’s think smaller. If I am at a seagoing research expedition and get seasick, and I work as many hours as someone not as affected, are we equally ambitious and successful? If it means routine work for one and overcoming a major struggle for the other, should their work be measured with the same scale?
It is easy to credit the achievements of traditionally successful people to their own abilities, strategy and hard work. And while they are often incredibly talented people, they most likely also were the right person with the right skills at the right time. So, reversing this thought, failing does not necessarily mean you are less talented or less ambitious. Sometimes, the circumstances are just not in your favour. A mentor of mine once said “You cannot plan a scientific career, you can only prepare as best as you can and keep your eyes and ears open!”
Where does that leave us? Well, I am trying to use this to reverse the thought pattern the inner imposter wants me to believe, where my failures are my own fault, but if I am successful, I was just lucky. I am trying to reflect more regularly, take note of and celebrate my small successes. Actively credit my achievements to my abilities and my failures to circumstance. It is a lot of mental work, but I am noticing a difference. Another small success, if you will.
Elisa Klein