METEOR’s Weihnachtsmärchen

@ Christian Rohleder

The M133 Christmas Sketch

(written by Elisabeth Thölken)

Poseidon calls for a census across the Atlantic Ocean. This notice includes Arielle and her prince. They have to travel to Atlantis to register for the census, but when they arrive and look for a place to stay, everybody turns them down because the Prince is a human, and not a sea-creature.
Finally, they see no other option and knock on the side of the meteor, where they are let in by a simple boatsman. Here they find shelter in the mass/bar.
Earlier, science appeared in the dreams of three wise men and tells them to seek their destiny and the future of humanity under the southern cross. They travel far and wide across the oceans until they finally reach the Meteor and the young couple, where they find that they have brought onto this world the saviour of humanity: the uCTD. Relieved and happy they present their gifts: the protocol, the timer, and the rope.

Poseidon – Christine
Neptun – Siccha
Arielle – Elisabeth
Prince – Heather
Science – Lea
Wise Man 1 – Martin (timer)
Wise Man 2 – Andreas (rope)
Wise Man 3 – Tilo (protocol)
Sea-creature 1 (snake) – Patricia
Sea-creature 2 (jellyfish) – Anna
Sea-creature 3 (foram) – Manuel
Boatsman of the Meteor – Henry
Grinch – Stefan

Scene 1 : The Gods
Neptun and Poseidon stand in the corner next to the Bulleyes

Neptun: Ich bin Neptun! Gott der Meere, Gott aller Ozeane, der größte der Großen und Herrscher über –

Poseidon: Excuse me?! I am the god of the oceans! Me, Poseidon! Not you! How can you say such a thing, this is ridiculous!

@ Christian Rohleder

Neptun: Schweig still, Wicht! Du und dein Volk, ihr seid lange tot, ich bin jetzt Gott der Meere und ich werde meine Geschichte erzählen!

Poseidon: Dead or not dead, that doesn’t matter! I’m here, that’s what counts! And this is not your story, it is the story of that young couple and the three-

Neptun: RUHE! Es begab sich vor gar nicht allzu langer Zeit, jedenfalls wenn man das Gesamtalter der Erde bedenkt, was viele Leute seltsamerweise nie tun – Nun es begab sich also dass ich eine Volkszählung durchführen lies. Gott aller Meere, der ich bin, muss ich natürlich wissen, wer in meinen Ozeanen lebt und ob alles seine rechte Ordnung hat.

Poseidon: *yawns* look, if you really want to make this about you then at least tell the real story: you tyrannised your people, you made them move all across the ocean, just because you wanted to count how many creatures there are in the seas! A census! What an idea, the poor meerpeople and fish and seamonsters! Everyone had to go back to their hometown in order to be counted. And among these poor people – my daughter, the little mermaid Arielle and her husband!

Neptun: So es denn überhaupt Tyrannei war, war sie gerecht. Schließlich bin ich Herrscher der Meere und kann mein Volk zählen lassen wenn es mir beliebt. Recht hast du nur in einem Punkt – auch deine Tochter Arielle, die kleine Meerjungfrau, und ihr Mann der Prinz begaben sich auf die Reise. Aber lassen wir sie ihre Geschichte doch selbst erzählen….

Arielle and Prince enter the stage from the bar.

Arielle: Ey Männeken, simma ma endlich da? Dat dauert ja ewig hier, ich han keen bock mehr hier rumzulatschen!

Prince: Honey, I am sure we will arrive soon, and then we can find a nice and cozy place to stay for you, where you can rest. Would you like a massage later? Or a homecooked meal? Or I could make your bed if you’re sleepy?

@ Christian Rohleder

Arielle: Menschenskind mach dir ma nich so ne Kopp, mer machen dat schon. Jetzt komm weiter!

They exit the stage again.

Scene 2: Accommodation Problems
Poseidon: And so they continued travelling –

Neptun: Eine lange Zeit reisten sie so dahin –

Poseidon: Until at last, they arrived in Oh-so-great-Atlantis!

Neptun: Bis sie Atlantis erreichten, das größte Wunder der Meere!

Poseidon: wonder of the oceans, yeah sure… dream on.

Arielle and the Prince enter the stage through the bar

Prince: Dearest, I believe we have found it at last! Atlantis! Your hometown! Home of your people, and the most incredible place on earth! It is beautiful, magnificent even, entirely incredible! That I, a simple man of the earth, should have the chance to see this, to witness this wonder, it is –

Arielle: Schätzelein, halt ma die Schnüss. Jaja dat is Atlantis, kenn ich schon, jetzt mach ma nich so nen Elefanten da draus, dat is halt ne Stadt, siehste noch jenuch von! Mer müssen jetzt erstma ne Hotel finden oder sowat, mir tun de Fööß weh!

– They arrive in front of one of the doors. Arielle looks at it disdainfully-

Prince: Darling, this seems to be a good place, why don’t we inquire here if they have a place for us?

Arielle: Wat? In dem Loch sollen wa bleiben? Nenene dat kannste knicken, dat mache ma net. Guck dir doch ma de Fenster an, wie dreckig die sind! Nä, da mach ich nich mit! Komm, mer jehn ma noch weiter, jibt jenuch Hotels in Atlantis!

Prince: Of course lollypop. If you don’t like it we will look for a better place to stay.

– They arrive at another door –

The Prince stops and looks at it in wonder and awe. Arielle is sceptical.

Arielle: Wat guckste denn da? Da willste doch nich etwa rein? Da wohnt bestimmt janz schräjes Jesocks, dat is nix für ene zartbesaitete Männeken wie dich. Komm weiter!

The Prince sighs and follows her.
At another door Arielle smiles and stops.

Arielle: So, dat hat vier Sterne, dat is doch jut. Und sauber isset och. Da jehma ma rein.

Prince: Yes sweetey, this looks magnificent, let’s stay here! I agree, this looks great, and clean, and beautiful, and… (hurries after her)

Hotel 1
Arielle: Juten Tach, mer hätten jern en Zimmer. Käptn-suite wenns jeht. Wat kostet dat? Und hamse Frühstück?

Sea-creature1: A room. Of course. For how many?

The Prince enters.
Arielle: Zimmer für zwo, den da und meine Wenigkeit.

Sea-creature1: (visibly pales and swallows) A human! Madam, I am terribly sorry but there is no room available anymore, the census, you know…

Arielle: Ja wie jetzt? Eben haste doch noch „ja natürlich“ jesacht und jefragt für wie viele Personen mer dat Zimmer brauchen, und jetzt haste plöztlich keins mehr? Ja simmer denn hier in Düsseldorf oder wat?!

Sea-creature: We are simply fully booked. There is nothing I can do.

Arielle: Ausjebucht! Dat ich nich lache! Komm Schatz, dat hamwa nich nötig, mer jehn wieder!

Hotel 2
Prince: (knocks politely on the door)

sea-creature2: (through the door or without looking) Yes hello, how may I help you?

Prince: We would like a room for two please, is that possible?

Sea-creature2: (while opening the door/turning around and looking) But of course my dear man, I… A HUMAN! (he slams the door shut)

Prince: (knocks politely again) Excuse me? Sir?

Sea-creature2: Humans! Oh no, I won’t have it! This is an honourable establishment, with very important guests! I will have no humans or anything of that sort under my roof! Away with you!

The prince sighs, Arielle looks shocked and they continue on their way.

Hotel 3
The prince and Arielle knock. The door opens.

Arielle: En Zimmer! Und sajen se mir bloß nich dat se keine Menschen wollen, dat jeht nisch! Ich bin de Tochter von Poseidon Himmelherrjottnochmal da wird sich doch wohl wat finden lassen!

Prince: Uhm… what my wife is trying to say, I mean, we would really appreciate it if…

Sea-creature3: Oh no no no I have nothing against humans, really, you are most welcome. But I am afraid we are actually fully booked.

Arielle: Schon wieder ausjebucht? Dat hamwa schon jehört, ich glaub dat nich! Zeijen se mir mal jefällichst ihr Logbuch, sonst jeh ich hier nich wieder wech!

Prince: Please, we won’t stay long and we will make no trouble.

Sea-creature3: I would love to accommodate you, really. Here have a look for yourself (he shows them the book) but I have no rooms left… There are simply too many Foraminifera in town! They’ve taken up all the rooms!

Arielle and the prince look stunned. As there is nothing to be done, they leave.

Prince: What do we do now, cutiepie?

(Arielle shrugs. They leave the stage. They enter again.)

Prince: Cupcake, we are both tired and we have tried everything in Atlantis. Let’s try this one here. I know it doesn’t look like much, but we need to rest.

They knock, a boatsman opens the door.

Boatsman: Was wollt ihr?

Prince: Please – can we find shelter here? We need a place to stay, it’s late and we are tired…

Boatsman: Na wenn’s sein muss, dann mal rein mit euch! (Er führt sie weg) Da, macht’s euch gemütlich!

Arielle: Schätzelein, mir isset net jut, ich fühl mich so… so… schwanger irjendwie! Ich glaub ich leg mich ma hin!

Prince: You feel what? Pregnant? But that’s impossible, you’re a mermaid and I am a human, we can’t even reproduce, it’s biologically impossible! Dearest. Honey. Sweetey. Cutiepie. Cupcake. What are you talking about? I think you need to sleep a while. Here, let me make a bed for you.

They lie down.

Scene 3: The three wise Men
Poseidon: You know, you forgot half the story there…

Neptun: Vergessen?! Ich habe nichts zu erzählen vergessen! Ich habe lediglich dramaturgische Anpassungen vorgenommen!

Poseidon: Yeah sure, dramaturgical alterations…. Well whatever floats your boat I guess. But do tell the story now, would ya?

Neptun: Ich erzähle die Geschichte wie es mir beliebt, als Gott der Meere habe ich das Recht meine Erzählungen…

Poseidon: Oh shut up and continue!

Neptun: Nun denn. Bereits bevor ich beschloss mein Volk zählen zu lassen, begab es sich, dass in einem fernen Land jenseits der Ozeane drei jungen, aufrechten Männern eine Gestalt erschien: Die Wissenschaft!

Poseidon: Wait what? SCIENCE came to the three young men in their dreams? Are you serious? In MY version of the story….

Neptun: Schweig! Dies ist nicht deine Geschichte! Die Wissenschaft erschien den drei Jünglingen und erteilte ihnen eine ehrenvolle Aufgabe – die Rettung der Menschheit zu finden!

Poseidon: Oh dear this just gets better and better. Science came to three young men in their sleep and told them to go find the salvation of mankind. You really lost it, good god.

Neptun: Sieh selbst!

The three wise men are sitting at a table, enjoying the evening. Science enters the room

Science: Hear me, men! Your destiny awaits you! You have been chosen amongst all humanity to fulfil a quest so great it will affect generations of generations to come after you! Hear me, men!

Wise man 2: Hey, sag mal verstehst du die? Ich kapier kein Wort, kannst du mal übersetzen?

Wise man 1: Shhh! Das ist die Wissenschaft höchstpersönlich und sie sagt, wir hätten irgendeine Aufgabe zu erfüllen, irgendwas mit Schicksal und so…

Science: Men! I am asking you for nothing short of your lives. You must dedicate yourselves fully and wholeheartedly to the task I am about to give you, are you prepared to take on such a burden?

Wise man 3: Was will sie?

Wise man 1: Sie fragt ob wir einen Job für sie erledigen können. Was meint ihr? Kann so schwer doch nicht sein, oder? (Zu Science) Joa also ich hab grad ein bisschen Zeit.

Wise man 2: Na gut. Ich mach mit.

Wise man 3: (Zuckt mit den Schultern) Ok.

Science: Praise be upon you, men! Your destiny from this moment forward will be to find the salvation of mankind, the means to save it and guard it against future troubles. Follow the southern cross and you will find what you seek. May logic and rationality guide your path from this day forward until the end. (She vanishes)

The three wise men look at each other, jump up and run out to chase their destiny.
The three wise men exit the stage.

Scene 4: The Birth of the “Saviour”

Neptun: Bist du jetzt zufrieden, Störenfried? Mir ist wohl bewusst, dass dies lange vor meiner Volkszählung geschah, doch künstlerische Freiheit kennt keine Grenzen!

Poseidon: artistic freedom, of course! You just forgot, you old fish! The story of the three wise men happened long before Arielle and the prince went travelling to Atlantis! Anyway, let’s hope the rest of your story makes more sense.

The three wise men enter the stage looking a bit aged. (They carry with them the gifts, standing in the doorway leading to the bar)

@ Christian Rohleder

Wise man 1: All our lives have we spent on the search for salvation. We have looked on land and water…

Wise man 2: An Land und auf den Ozeanen haben wir gesucht. Jahre um Jahre haben wir damit verbracht, die Bürde der Wissenschaft zu erfüllen, sind nie müde geworden.

Wise man 1: Until now. Finally we are in reach of our destiny, the southern cross is bright in the sky of the South Atlantic. The Meteor is bringing us ever closer to the fulfilment of our duty.

Wise man 3: Wir werden den Auftrag der Wissenschaft erfüllen!

They spot the couple lying on the floor, Wise man 1 points a flashlight at the uCTD lying between them

Wise man 1: Praise be upon thee, Science!

Arielle and the Prince wake up

Arielle: Sach ma, kann man hier nich ma in Ruhe ne Runde pennen? Wat soll’n dat? Dat is aber keen jutes Kreuzfahrtschiff hier! Oh man! (Sie sieht das uCTD) Eeeh Schätzelein, guck ma! Wat is dat denn?

Wise man 2: Das ist die Rettung der Menschheit! Die Antwort auf die Fragen der Wissenschaft!

Arielle: Wat seid ihr denn für welche? Ja is denn schon Karneval oder wat?

Wise man 1: We come bearing gifts so that the salvation of mankind can fulfil its destiny!

They come forward and present their gifts – the rope, the protocol and the timer.
Then the Grinch jumps in.

@ Christian Rohleder

Grinch: WEIHNACHTEN?! HA! Ich HASSE Weihnachten! Und Wissenschaftler erst Recht! Alles unnötig! Ich mach euch euer geliebtes Weihnachten KAPUTT! (Er stiehlt die Geschenke und das uCTD und rennt raus)

Poseidon: Uhm… So THIS is how you end the story? Wow, that’s really bad!

Neptun: Unsinn, es ist eine rührende Geschichte voll Zauber und tiefgründiger Erkenntnis wie es sich für Weihnachten gebührt!

Neptun and Poseidon together: MERRY CHRISTMAS!


One thought on “METEOR’s Weihnachtsmärchen

  1. Hey Elizabeth, full respect for your screenplay. I did not get all the content (the German dialect of Arielle was a challenge to me while the Google translate was totally confused) but it was fun to read. The plot was exciting and I found numerous smart symbols and context references (trying not to overinterpret…;-)). I particuraly liked the personification of Science as an Angel with a mission of saving the humankind. For some people the science means continuously improving description of the nature in search for some elusive absolute description of it. For others the science translates to admiring the nature in its complexity. But the attribute of a mission of understanding how the natural processes work in view of finding solutions for a harmonious coexistence of human society and the nature gives scientific activity a deeper meaning :)… Very season-appropriate. Very nice.

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